According to Franklin Middle School seventh-grader and closeted homosexual Ben McElroy, the highlight of his day is the 30 minutes between third and fourth period when he eats lunch on a staircase by himself.

"It’s nice to eat alone while other people are in class or in the cafeteria," McElroy told reporters Wednesday as he finished the peanut-butter-and-honey sandwich his mother had prepared and packed neatly into a brown paper bag for him that morning. "No one bothers me, it’s safe and quiet, and I get to enjoy my lunch."

McElroy, who has revealed his sexual orientation to no one but is unceasingly ridiculed by his peers for perceived feminine qualities in his voice, dress, and gait, confirmed that he enjoys his solitary meal on the staircase more than the bus ride to school, the walk from the bus to home, finding an unobtrusive seat in the back of every class & hoping he doesn’t get called on, receiving anonymous text messages from classmates telling him to kill himself and every other moment of his day.

The Onion has more…