Foolish Fear of Fapping

The Middle Ages had the Black Death, 1918 had the influenza epidemic. But the scourge sweeping the land at the end of the 19th century? Masturbation.

We’re not exaggerating. According to the medical minds of the time, "No single vice causes so much mental and physical debility… It impairs the intellect, weakens the memory, debases the mind, ruins the nervous system, exhausts the vital power and destroys body, mind and soul." They thought masturbation could result in insanity, impotence, epilepsy and "puny offspring."

You could blame pretty much everything on masturbation as long as you ignored the truth. Sure, the general view on masturbation became a lot more sane, sometimes even to a degree that went a bit too far for some (in the 1970s there were sex education films shown in some schools in countries like Belgium and Sweden that featured teens demonstrating how to masturbate) but even as late as 1994 the U.S. Surgeon General was fired for just saying masturbation was part of human sexuality. By Bill Clinton of all people.

Fortunately (well…) for sufferers, doctors back then had almost as many cures as there were symptoms. John Harvey Kellogg for example (yes, the cornflakes guy) was an advocate of circumcising young boys to curb masturbation and applying phenol (an acid that can cause second and third-degree burns) to a girl’s clitoris. Read more on Cracked: 5 Insane Ways Fear of Masturbation Shaped the Modern World

Gladly most of us are over this….


29 thoughts on “Foolish Fear of Fapping”

  1. I will never forget those days. My parents were constantly on masterbation patrol. I watched my father beat the holy shit out of my older cusin when he was caught masterbating in his bedroom at night. My father then hosed him down in the back yard while slapping and backhanding his face while calling him “queer.” But that is the way it was during the 50s. Masterbation was a symptom of the homosexual. My parents would constantly ask “Are you preoccupied?”

    1. OMGOSH Bruce, that’s insane….
      If he did that to his nephew, I can only imagine had he caught you…

    2. I actually saw my Dad jack somebody up a wall by his neck when he witnessed him smacking his kid for masturbating. He growled at him words to effect of, “If I ever see you beating up ANYbody for doing something you must do yourself at least 4 times a week, then you and me are gonna have a little conversation.” The other guy said, “How about we have a conversation about people minding their own bees wax?” To which my father responded, “Seems to me that we just did.”

      Dad was a navy guy, and a liberally minded republican, if you can imagine such a thing. What a shame your father didn’t meet mine.

  2. Mum left a book on my bed once telling me masturbation caused weak eyes, acne, etc, and as I had both problems and wanked, well, a bit of guilt there. Having a shower and she’d call out, are ou playing with yourself, very embarassing.
    I’ve seen that Weeds clip but first time with that ending. I used bananas too, hollow, soften, abuse, throw.
    I remember at about 10 going into a dark room and was going to close the blind when I saw one of the teen boys next door on his bed, light on, blinds up, going to town on his cock. Well of course I had to watch till the end, fascinated. I spent a lot of time after that in that room, in the dark lol, but I learnt some techniques other than lying on the bed and humping away.

  3. One of my favorite scenes ever from a show.

    I was never into socks but the toilet was a recipient of “pearl jam” many times.

    I had never seen the lay on stomach form of masturbation until the movie Quadrophenia came out.

  4. What a scary and fucked up world we used to live in. thank God for the progress of medical knowledge

  5. I think some adults go on about the “bad” things about masturbation simply because they have their own deep inner curiosity about their child’s methods, timing, etc. but are so afraid to admit it to themselves, they use “outside sources” (all bullshit) to convince their child to not do it. And, of course, the pure stupidity of religion — any and all of them.

    1. “One must practice erotic acts while remaining aware that sensual delight is an approach to the divine. There exist no taboos or restrictions concerning the variants of eroticism.” -Sadhu Shambhudasa
      “The phallus is the source of pleasure. It is the only means of obtaining earthly pleasure and salvation. By looking at it, touching it and meditating on it, living beings can free themselves from the cycle of future lives.”
      -Shiva Purana, Vidyeshvara Samhita, I, chap. 9, 20

  6. LOL I’ve seen this clip before, and think it’s so cute. Growing up in the 60’s I think I must have had fairly liberal parents as the subject of masturbation was never mentioned at home. I learned about it from older boys, and then it was mentioned in a special optional sex ed class held on a Saturday in grade 9, I think. Looking back, I’m embarrassed to recall how there was always a box of tissues in my room that magically re-generated itself when it became empty, and also how my waste basket always got emptied automatically. One day it suddenly occurred to me how my so-called secret endulgences were actually not so secret. After that, I made sure to hide the evidence.

  7. What a paradox that, in the 1850s or so doctors cured female ‘hysteria’ by ‘massaging’ the lady patient’s nether regions to orgasm. This was not masturbation, you see, but curative.

    As electricity became more common the doctors turned to electrical devices that buzzed nicely. This relieved the tiredness they felt continually massaging ladies.

    Think I’m having you on? Research it! google “Masturbation to cure female hysteria” without the quotes.

    Boys, of course, were a different matter entirely! The rabid circumcisers Kellog and Graham did it as a punishment to them.

    1. @IOMFATS: You might enjoy the book “The Road to Wellville” by T.C. Boyle, which features the amazing John Harvey Kellogg and his (mal)practice in Battle Creek, Michigan. It’s a funny book and it was made into a very servicable movie in 1994 with Anthony Hopkins, Matthew Broderick, Dana Carvey, Bridgette Fonda and a whole cast of great character actors.

      There is also a new movie out addressing the very thing you pointed out, called “Hysteria”, if you haven’t seen it, I highly recommend it, its causing quite the “buzz”.

  8. Kids… Don’t try this at home.

    When I was a boy, I was very inventive indeed. I saw a certain poetic motion and utility in the way one of Mom’s kitchen implements moved. It was of all things, the electric carving knife!

    So one day when I was home alone and feeling adventuresome, I devised a way to put the rapid reciprocating motion of that little wand of wonder to good use… it took a cardboard tube from a roll of paper towels, a sock, some duct tape and that plug-in bit of heaven to do the job, so to speak. Don’t get ahead of me here, I said I was INVENTIVE, not um… reckless. It did have a happy ending. In fact, many of them. I will admit that my boy-pleasure contraption looked like the implement from hell, but it did the job, and quickly.

    Today, I still have that old electric knife, AND my well-abused pride and joy! I’ve retired it from it’s solo-satisfaction duties, but whenever I use that electic knife to carve the family turkey, I get that special warm feeling of thanksgiving from my youth all over again.

  9. definitely worth reading the book, heavy with scientific proof, written by the then leading doctor Kelogg.
    Its great.
    Today many leading doctors also swear that sex with anyone under 18 traumatizes the younger ‘victim’ for life.
    The psychiatric association of america also want to include the attraction to the young as a pathological mental disease.
    Fab, just fab.
    The more it changes, the more it stays the same.

  10. Kellogg was born to a jackal and had the sign ‘666’ on the back of his head. You can’t even imagine the deeds that went on at his ‘wholesome’ Battle Creek Sanitarium. The movie and book; “Road to Wellness” just scratches the surface.

    I live next to a colony of Seven Day Adventists. They basically hate gays and anything that would involve any sort of pleasure, like dancing. Most everything is a sin of some sort, so you can imagine their stance on wanking.

    1. Those would be one ones that come every seven days? Do they sing “Oh come all ye faithful” at the same time?

      1. @ It’s Only Me From Across The Sea – Don’t you mean “Oh cum all ye faithful” ???

    2. This is a quote I’ve always loved:

      “The puritan hated bear baiting, not because it gave pain to the bear, but because it gave pleasure to the spectators.”
      – Thomas B. Macaulay

      1. Best tongue & cheek religious quote EVER by a Seven Day Adventist Minister, to us in the PFLAG tent: “You know, we hate you in that loving, Christian way.”

  11. I loved the end scene w/ the ladies discussing the boy’s enthusiastic eating of bananas. Hilarious!

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