Homosexuality: Legitimate, Alternate Deathstyle
America is the El Dorado of the Western comic world. But besides queer comics like Batman they also have quite an output of those raging against the most beloved sin of the Christians…
For 204 pages, this book covers both aspects of homosexuality from anal insertion to putting things up the butt. The book is narrated by three main characters: one guy making up medical facts about bath houses and anal leakage, a disgusted guy who is learning what gay people do for the first time and a gay guy who is ashamed of himself. And since the author is a stupid dick, all three characters are dipshits. More of this fascinating handbook can be found online here.
Imagine for a moment you’ve only met one black person. His name is Chris. One day you spend three straight hours asking him questions about his sex life. Later, after Chris has punched you, you write down what he said and call it, The Black Truths About All Black People. That book would be more accurate and less offensive than Homosexuality: Legitimate, Alternate Deathstyle.
It’s fun watching stupid people come to scientific conclusions. Speaking of, if only 85 percent of gay men started out that way, then that means that 15 percent of women make men want to turn gay! That … that actually sounds about right.
The book walks a very fine line between sensationalized anti-gay sentiments and practical tips on how to fuck homosexual gentlemen.
Dick Hafer has tracked down the most reliable enema and poop-eating surveys to help you get the facts. And since I know you’re curious about "handballing …"
This guy isn’t being fair at all. Of course fisting is going to sound horrible if you don’t mention the music and the clapping spectators. Unless I’m thinking of karaoke. No … no, I’m thinking of fisting. Ugh, gay anthropology class is hard.
That’s right, many homosexuals kiss. I didn’t find this very shocking, but it marked the point of the book where I realized the author was crazy in more than just the one specific way. This is the kind of guy who has to put two condoms on before he scolds his own penis.
I’m the kind of guy who only licks a girl’s butt when it’s her birthday or something, so I haven’t given this a ton of thought, but to me the gross part of anilingus is not that someone might have gotten saliva in their rectum. That’s like getting upset that someone spilled chili all over your human finger.
I was making fun of the book earlier, but in my experience this all seems perfectly accurate.
Homosexuals handling food? Now I’ve heard everything!
Here’s what weirds me out the most about this book. The author obviously spends a lot of time imagining and reading about sodomy. And here he has a list of homosexual people from all walks of life. And yet in his wildest imagination, he can’t seem to picture gay people being any more complicated than "filled with semen." There are no shy gay people sitting at home alone. There are no gay couples enjoying a non-dildo hobby together. In Dick’s mind, every single one of them is elbow-deep in a butthole and drowning in pee at all hours of the day. Homosexuals don’t have a second personality type, which I guess explains why gay dating profiles just have a line for "Name" and nothing else.
What kind of ladies does this fucking maniac date that he thinks only gay men kiss and give blowjobs? Oh no, I just figured it out: ladies with duct tape over their mouths.
More fun with those anti gay comics over at Cracked. Thanks for the heads up to Zizzimay.
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