EDMOND, OK—Following weeks of deliberation during which he carefully considered what sort of life he wanted for himself, 4-month-old baby Nathan Reynolds announced Wednesday that he had decided to be homosexual.
“I thought about it for a long time,” said Reynolds, who took into account both how his peers would view him and how he would be treated by society at large before determining his sexual orientation. “I weighed the pros and cons of homosexuality, and ultimately I decided that it was the right thing for me.”
The 16-week-old infant, who admitted that he was fully aware of the negative consequences associated with choosing to be attracted to members of the same sex, claimed that he was now prepared to go through life struggling with rejection, intolerance, and unprovoked hostility.
In addition, Reynolds confirmed that he opted for homosexuality despite very serious concerns about sustaining permanent psychological damage from a lack of acceptance from family members and fearing the stigma of publicly displaying affection for another man.
“Of course, I wasn’t certain of anything at first, but when I finally made up my mind to be gay, I was conscious of the fact that loved ones would repeatedly tell me that I’m not normal,” said the 4-month-old baby who made the decision before reaching the developmental milestone of head control. “Even though I’ll be subjected to ignorant homophobic attitudes and countless anti-gay slurs, the choice of homosexuality really works for me.”
A parent who has forgotten their 17-year-old gay son’s birthday for the past three years is looking for advice on how their teen can ‘stop’ being gay. Check out the amazing response
Area Teen Quickly Running Out Of Chances To Be First Openly Gay Anything
The Onion reports: Citing the increased visibility of gay athletes, politicians, and officials, area teen and homosexual Alex Zaragoza, 15, told reporters today that he is worried about running out of opportunities to become the first openly gay member of any professional field or social group.
Zaragoza expressed anxiety over the fact that the possibility of personally breaking down barriers for homosexuals in any given field is rapidly dwindling as more and more people become the first member of their profession to live as openly gay. Zaragoza told reporters that if he wants to one day become the first out homosexual member of any given occupation then he better “act fast.”
“By the time I’m an adult, all the good stuff will be taken,” said the 15-year-old, who went on to note that the historic contributions made by San Francisco politician Harvey Milk, NBA player Jason Collins, and talk show host and television star Ellen DeGeneres have already broken ground in most areas of public life where homosexuals can hope to make a revolutionary impact. “Athlete’s off the table. Senator’s off the table. Singer was taken a long time ago. What’s left? First openly gay male boxer?” “Fuck,” he added, looking at his web browser. “Already taken. Orlando fucking Cruz.”
Noting that “president’s still an option, but by the time [he’s] 35, who the hell knows,” Zaragoza said that for ambitious young homosexuals like himself, the margin for making the history books is narrowing by the day. According to the 15-year-old, by the time he’s graduating college, every sector of public life will probably be transformed by a brave homosexual’s decision to live openly, “and then it’s game over.”
“At this point I’ve narrowed my options down to foosball player, driving instructor, and actuary,” Zaragoza said, explaining that he was shocked to find that most Google searches beginning with the words “first openly gay” already have an occupation attached to them. “Openly gay alderman, CFO, actor, board member on West Point’s board of visitors. All of them filled. Seriously, almost any job you can imagine has been taken by the pioneering efforts of some bold, self-sacrificing gay man or woman who came out and changed the status quo.”
“It’s actually pretty goddamn frustrating,” he continued. “I can’t even be the first openly gay man to summit mount Everest. Thanks, Cason Crane.”
Zaragoza told reporters that he had hoped to become the first openly gay primetime news anchor but then “Rachel Maddow snatched that one up.” He also had his sights set on being the first openly gay male country singer, president of the Directors Guild of America, and in a fit of desperation, the first openly gay international cricketer. All barriers, he said, that have now been shattered by one person or another.
Wondering if it’s too much to ask, Zaragoza said that all he really wants to do is pioneer acceptance for homosexuality in a relatively notable field. “I feel like I was born too late. Christ, even if I moved to Iceland and wanted to be the first openly gay prime minister there, Jóhanna Sigurðardóttir would say, ‘Sorry, Alex, I broke down those boundaries four years ago and already served as an inspiration to millions,’” he said, adding that “I want to be an inspiration to millions.” “And just when you thought the first gay U.S. Marshal might be a possibility, fucking Sharon Lubinski swoops in.”
“What’s left, for God’s sake?” he continued. “First openly gay plumber? Would that even be a big deal?”
At press time, North Carolina plumber Tom Fletcher had just come out to his coworkers
Teenagers Arin and Katie might look like any other young couple, but they were not always like that.
Just two years ago, Arin was a biologicially a girl named Emerald and Katie a boy called Luke.
Just over a year ago Katie, 19, a university student, had gender reassignment surgery. Arin, 17, who got his breasts removed in June, said that he hated his breasts and always felt like they didn’t belong. He asserted that now he finally feels comfortable in his own body. He said that now when he is out in a public pool or lifting weights, no one raises an eyebrow.
Arin, who is still in school, insisted that he could wear a tank top, which he couldn’t before, and he can go swimming shirtless and just be a regular guy. He added that he feels lucky to have his family & Katie to rely on.
Ezra Miller, one of the stars of the acclaimed The Perks of Being a Wallflower, came out as queer last year and explains why he used that word to describe himself instead of gay. “It’s generational in the way that that term is newly available in a certain way,” Ezra tells The Advocate in an interview. “I think it feels the most open and inclusive and that’s what makes it apply for me, personally.”
He broke out in 2011 in the film We’ve Got to Talk About Kevin after appearing in such television shows as Royal Pains, Californication, Law & Order: Special Victims Unit. The 20-year-old’s character in Wallflower was a gay high school student involved in a secret relationship with one of the school’s football players. But unlike his Wallflower character, the actor doesn’t like refer to himself as gay.
“I think there are a lot of people who fall on this open spectrum of sexuality,” he says. “My friends and I use that word as an all-encompassing banner and for every human being. There should be an ongoing question and investigation of who you love and everything that’s involved with that very tricky and beautiful thing.”
Many young people were murdered or bullied into suicide this year because they were or appeared to be gay, lesbian, bi, trans or somewhere else outside of the spectrum that society deems normal. Their friends & loved ones will have to spend these holidays & many more to come without them. Let’s not forget them, let’s fight for a better world in their memory.
OK, this one is a bit weird. Vice reports about an ‘interesting’ new product. No, it’s not going to help keep your floors spotless or remove the gunk from your dishwasher, this product is about aroma.
“Smelling like vanilla is for cheap, teenage whores. Chanel attracts flies and starving artist types. You need something fresh. Something exciting. Something edgy that pushes the fragrance envelope and makes a passer by get a whiff of you and do a double sniff. You need: “The Smell of a Boy’s Anus” the latest scent in the forbidden collection from Japanese brand Tamatoys (you might remember them as the folks that brought you “schoolgirl urine” and “schoolgirl armpit” scents back in 2002).
The Smell of A Boy’s Anus scented oil is a part of a series called “The forbidden scents – experience that smell one more time.” Just one spritz from this “real anal smell bottle” will keep you surrounded by “the pheromones emitted from the anus of a cute boy” all day. No, this is not feces in a can, guys. This scent is devoted to making you smell purely of anus. Tamatoys confirms, “It has a strong musky perfume smell, tinged with a pungent odor.” Sweet, musky fresh cute boy smell all day long, So, whether you want to wear it yourself, or just sit in a dark, dank computer lab huffing the bottle all day, “The Smell of a Boy’s Anus” never let’s you leave that crack between the cheeks. Christmas is right around the corner you know. “